November 4, 2021
My life hit a pivotal climax on November 4, 2019. What happened that day is just for me to know, but it changed my life forever. One year ago, I wrote My One-Year Story. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember the confusion that consumed me, the fear that overtook my heart, and the betrayal that nearly killed me. I remember every ounce of heartbreak, sadness, and grief. Unfortunately, no amount of time will ever allow me to forget. Now, it is 2021.
The part that haunts me is the one I loved more than anyone is still gone. This person is still siding with their decision to walk away, which is okay. God gives everyone the beautiful gift of free will, something we can all be grateful for. Do I still believe that if we had stayed together, fought for each other, and leaned more into the Lord, would things be different? Absolutely. We could have been together forever, but our choices (mine to be hateful and theirs to abandon) have created the reality we experience today. For better or worse, we are living with the consequences of our choices.
Two years later, after making a pivotal decision, I have more clarity now than ever. Yes, there has been a lot of ‘bad’ over the last couple of years, but there has also been a lot of good. My relationship with Jesus is very different than before. It is more raw, vulnerable, and authentic. It is no longer robotic or rehearsed but brutally honest and transparent. I am learning how to wrestle with God in ways that are like uncharted waters in my heart. The one thing I have wrestled with Him the most is the act of forgiveness. It is taking me a long time to forgive the one I love the most for abandoning me, forgive myself for what I did to this person, and the most difficult part of it is forgiving God for allowing it all to happen. I am not there yet, but the keyword is “yet.”
If I had to describe how I felt this past year, I would say I was angry. I spent most of the year in absolute anger towards God, myself, and the one I love the most. It is taking me months to be comfortable around God and to trust Him again. I felt like I put so much faith in Him to redeem the failed relationship that when nothing changed, I started to entertain a feeling of betrayal. It got to the point where I could no longer listen to songs about resurrection without getting angry because God had not resurrected the one thing I begged and prayed to the point of excruciating tears for. I even began to hate the book I released a few months ago. It reminded me of all that was still unresolved and broken. I became filled with disappointment and pain. I was confused and hurt.
But God is not letting me stay this way. I am not there ‘yet’, but slowly, the Lord is softening my heart and I am beginning to let go of all my anger. He has been doing this by allowing me to be a part of a church that is spiritually healthy and loving and has taken me in as their family. He is honoring my best attempts at having a quiet time with Him. He has been doing this through my family and friends, that speak life into me. He has been doing this by opening the eyes of my heart to the dreams and passions He has put in me. He has been doing this by being there for me consistently and never letting me feel the weight of abandonment, despite the lies that fill my mind.
There are a lot of sinful habits and poor reaction patterns that the Lord is slowly purging from my heart. He is revealing the flaws deep within my soul and allowing growth and healing to penetrate even the darkest parts. It is a painful process, but let me tell you, it is worth it. I am not who I was two years ago, and I never want to be her again.
Could the Lord redeem the broken relationship? Does He even want to? I can’t say for certain, but God looks at the heart, while man sees the outward. If both hearts align with Him and desire restoration, then He intervenes. That’s the price and beauty of free will. It’s humanity’s choice. So maybe yes, maybe no. But regardless, I know I’m on the right path with the Lord. He has blessed me in ways I never dreamed up, like job opportunities, new and deeper friendships, etc. I’m hanging on tight to the Father’s robe, and that’s all that matters.
November 4, 2019, began my journey of pruning, stretching, discomfort, and painful growth. November 4, 2020, was a season of wrestling with God, fighting for forgiveness, and developing a deeper understanding of faith. November 4, 2021, was about testing the waters of faith and stepping out of my comfort zone.
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