November 4, 2020
So much has happened on this day, November 4, 2019, one year ago. While writing this, I cannot think of the right words to describe the pain and heartache I experienced and the amount I caused. I hurt many people and left a wake of destruction behind me because the person I loved more than anyone shattered my heart. On this day, one year ago, I stepped out in faith. However, it was faith in the wrong thing. Because of this, I lost it all. I lost my happiness, the job I had for years, so many dear friends, and the person I cared for the most at the time.
Unless you were close to me, no one knew I was anorexic (and had been for years), had four to six panic attacks a day, was in counseling, and was heavily dependent on my medicine to function. I was sent home from my old job several times because I mentally could not handle it. My heart would pound, my body would shake, I would stop breathing, and come close to passing out.
I was in a relationship during the COVID-19 quarantine when things became horrible. Isolated at my grandparents' house, I felt abandoned, alone, trapped, and scared. I took it out on the one I loved more than anything. He had his internal battles and took it out on me, adding to my emotional suffering. Poor communication, immaturity, and insecurity burned our relationship to the ground. It was months of post-breakup fights and harsh shots at each other before I realized my part in the forest fire we created. By then, it felt like it was too late. I lost my best friend, the closest person in my life.
Anxiety, pain, and fear consumed every thought. I remember telling my mentor, Morgan (a dear friend), that I was spiraling and could not make a good decision to save my life. I allowed the enemy to speak lies over me. He told me that I was not worth a clean slate, that I was too much and too selfish, and I believed every word. I allowed the poor advice of friends to guide me instead of relying on the truth-saturated words of the Father. Things were so hard that having a quiet time or watching Church would cause a panic attack.
From this day a year ago to September, I went from being the most unstable I have ever been to a much healthier, happier, and hope-filled person. Despite who I used to be, the Lord never saw me as expendable but instead as someone worthy, someone who deserves a clean slate. He had to take everything away from me, everything I held on tightly to for identity. The Father took my identity in serving and ministry. He took my identity in my job. He took my identity in school. He took my identity into being independent. He also took my identity of being codependent. He unraveled the yarn of lies, sewing me into something brand new.
Because the Lord has been creating something beautiful from my ashes, He gave me a beautiful full circle. He took my prideful nature of serving and turned it into a humble calling in writing. He took my arrogant nature of succeeding in school and has given me eyes to see that it's not about me. He took my old job that I was good at, compromised it, and now has given me a new one with the most loving and kind people. He took my old apartment and self-given independence and taught me to remain dependent on Him. The funny thing is, I am living in my old apartment complex, with my new bedroom looking down at my old one. Symbolically, the Lord used this to show how much I have grown, that I am not where I used to be, but have gone higher with the Lord.
Almost everything that was ripped from me, the Lord has given back tenfold. He is giving everything I lost back to me, but even more beautiful. My battle with anxiety has never been this good, my health has never been better (both mental and physical), and I have never been happier and more hopeful for the future. I’m learning who I am and who God created me to be. In this season of getting to know the Lord in an intimate and vulnerable way, He now speaks to me in ways that He has never spoken to me before. I hear His voice. I know His voice. I feel His presence. I feel the company of the angelic army. I am not just following Jesus but relationally doing life with Him. I no longer have panic attacks in the presence of God, but I jump out of bed excited to spend time with Him. Now, every car ride is a worship and prayer session. Jesus is no longer a part of my life but is my whole life.
The idea of faith is what changed everything for me. Hebrews 11:1 NIV says, “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Because of everything this past year, I now understand what faith is. Despite how bad everything was, I would not change a thing because I now have a deep and genuine faith that God is who He says He is. I will forever put my faith in God and God alone. I know that He has promised good things to me. He has promised a life of redemption, restoration, and healing. Who I used to be no longer defines me but serves as a launchpad to the person the Lord has created me to be. I love who I am and who He is making me to be. I know I am loved. I am forgiven. I am redeemed. I am restored. I am healed. No one will ever be able to tell me any different ever again.
Behind me are piles of ashes from burned bridges and torched relationships, but the Lord can breathe life into anything and grow the most beautiful fire lilies. My story is not pretty. My story is not ideal. My story is not how I wanted it to look, but my story is not over. I have a lifetime of growth with the Lord, learning how to be loved, learning to love like Him, and remembering daily to place everything on the altar and walk away. Faith is not easy, but faith is all I have now. C.S. Lewis said, “You can’t know. You can believe or not" and I chose to believe that something better than I could ever imagine was coming.
November 4, 2019, began my journey of pruning, stretching, discomfort, and painful growth. November 4, 2020, begins my journey of hope, excitement, freedom, and a new, beautiful understanding of faith.
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